Penny
The first night we stayed at our neighbors house in Cambridge was pretty much a blur. I remember her trying to be as comforting as possible , but she didn't know us that well , and didn't really know how to deal with us. We didn't give her any trouble however. Rose had been crying off and on all night. Even Geno and John had cried a bit when we first found out. By evening we had settled down and were pretending to watch television. Geno was the most impatient of us, jumping every time the phone would ring , and asking many times where the heck Steve was.
I hadn't cried yet. I hadn't done anything yet. All I did that first evening was stare at the television and pretend to watch it. Occasionally I would glance over at John who was sitting in a chair behind me. It seemed all he did that evening was to glare at me. I wondered to myself if he remembered the glass of water I had given to Mom. I wondered if he blamed me.
Sleep never comes easy to me when I stay somewhere different , and that night I stayed awake till 2 in the morning staring at the ceiling. The next day November 29th 1973, I woke early and got out of bed. We all went downstairs to eat breakfast. Geno asked the lady whose house we were staying at if she had heard from Dad. She looked very sad as she said she had not. After breakfast Geno asked our host if he could make a quick call to our oldest brother Steve. She told him of course and he dialed Steve number. He let it ring almost 30 times before he hung up. Lack of information was starting to get on all of our nerves.
Our neighbor lady told us she wasn't sure what to do with us , so she was sending us off to school. We all thought this was a bad idea, but we didn't have any choice in the matter. When the bus pulled up we reluctantly got on it. I felt as if every eye on that bus was staring straight at me. I sat next to my friend Paul but didn't say a word to him. I spent most of the ride staring at the back of the seat in front of me. I glanced up as we passed our home to see if Dad's car was there. It was not. As I looked away I noticed John glaring at me from across the bus.
When I got to school I went straight to my classroom and sat in my chair. The teacher came in and told me she had heard the bad news. She told me how bad she felt for my family , and if there was anything she could do to please let her know. I nodded and stared down at my seat. When school began she made an announcement to the rest of the class. I felt as if all eyes were upon me for the rest of the day. I wanted to cry out, "Stop Looking At Me!" Instead I remained silent. At 3 in the afternoon the bell rang and the longest day of school I ever had ended.
On the bus ride home we all sat closer so we could talk. We were hoping that the bus would drop us off at our house , but our hopes were dashed when the bus went by the house. The first thing we asked our host as we got off the bus was if she had heard from Dad. She told us that she still hadn't, but assured us that Dad would call as soon as he could. That evening Geno, John, and Rose sat on the couch watching television while I sat on the floor right in front of them. When the phone rang we all went as a group to the kitchen to see if it was Dad.
It wasn't Dad, but to our relieve it was Steve. Geno spoke with him on the phone. When Geno hung up he still had a sad face. Geno told us that Mom hadn't had the baby yet , but the doctors were saying it didn't look good. Rose began to get emotional again , and John put his arm around her to comfort her. We all walked back into the living room to continue acting like we cared what was on the television. At 10 O'Clock that evening we went upstairs to our guest rooms and went to bed. Sleep came easier that night, but it was still troubled.
A little after 1.30 in the morning the phone rang. We all heard it and awoke immediately. The neighbor lady came to the room I was sharing with Geno and told us it was Dad. Geno being the oldest there got to talk with him. We all sat in the kitchen watching Geno on the phone with Dad. When we saw tears coming from Geno's eyes we knew the worst had happened. Rose began crying softly again. Geno hung up the phone and told us that Mom was OK, but the baby died shortly after being born. John was now crying as well. I just stood there feeling very small.
I thought of that glass of water and wanted to scream.
The next day, thank God I didn't have to go to school. We waited at our neighbors house until Steve came and got us. The hospital would not let anyone under the age of 16 in to see Mom. Even Geno had a hard time getting in as he was small for his age. So we ended up being taken even further away to stay with various relatives for the day. At some point I ended up with my Dad's mom, Grandma Aggie.
Dad meanwhile came home from the hospital to shower and put on some clean clothes. He hadn't slept in almost 3 days. He was tired and he was angry at the world. My father was not a happy man on the best of days. This day he was ready to erupt. Dad walked in the back door to find a pair of shoes torn to bits. He walked into the living room and found that there was dog shit on his chair. Dad looked around for Duke. He called out the dog's name angrily. We had a dog door in the back door. There was no reason for Duke to have to do that in the house. Dad stormed up the stairs with every intention of killing Duke. As he went into his bedroom he saw that Duke had tore his pillow to pieces. Dad was enraged even more.
He found Duke on the floor by Mom's side of the bed. Duke had gathered up Mom's pillow and other items that were hers and had made a nest of them. As Dad stood towering over the dog ready to kill him with his bare hands Duke just looked up at Dad. Dad stood there for a moment, then all the rage just left him. He slid down on the floor next to Duke and just sat there. After a little bit he started to pet Duke telling him, "I know how you feel. She'll be home soon."
I spent the day sitting in Grandma's living room with the TV on. Grandma didn't have much time to spend with me. She was on the phone making funeral arrangements for Dad, and calling other relatives. It was there that I heard the baby called by name for the first time. Grandma told someone she was talking to on the phone,"Her names Penny Sue Hernandez."
Occasionally some Uncle would stop by Grandma's house to see how everything was. After a while they would make their way into the living room and ask me, "How you doing big guy?" I would give them a little smile and say,"OK." Other than that I was left alone in her living room. That room seemed very large that day.
After it was dark Grandma and Grandpa Woody told me that we were leaving for the funeral home. Dad was there and she needed to talk to him. On the way I asked Grandma when my Mom was going to be coming home. She told me it would be a couple more days. I loved Grandma but at that moment the person I wanted more than anyone was my mother.
When we got to the funeral home Grandma told me to wait in some room while she went to talk to Dad. I was left in a very large room with soft lighting and calm soothing music playing . It neither soothed nor calmed me. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to grab things in the room and throw them.
Instead I sat there.
At one point I needed to use the restroom. On my way there I saw the room that Dad and my Grandparents were in. Half the room had some sort of curtain partition going through it. I snuck into that part of the room and peeked through the curtain at My Dad.
It was the first time I had seen him since all this had happened. He had shaved off his mustache. It made him appear much older for some reason. He was sitting in a chair with his back ramrod straight staring straight ahead. Grandma sat next to him holding his hand. I could tell she was crying. Grandpa Woody sat a little off to one side.
In front of Dad was a tiny little casket. The brown casket was so small it didn't seem real. With a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach I realized that Penny must be in it. I thought to myself how scary it would be to in something like that. The longer I stared at it the further away it seemed.
Then Dad let a very loud sigh. I looked over at him and saw he had tears coming out of his eyes. For some reason this shocked me more then anything. I had never seen my Dad cry before. Not wanting to be there anymore I snuck out and went back to the waiting room. I sat there for maybe another ten minutes(it seemed longer) before my Grandparents came back out. Grandma took my hand and we walked out. As we drove away I just looked out the window into the darkness.
I have no memory of where I spent that night. My next clear memory is the next morning, Saturday December 1st. I was sitting in the back of another car. John was sitting next to me. We were headed back to the funeral home to bury Penny. Mom was still in the hospital and couldn't attend.
On the way there John slid over to me. "Why haven't you cried yet", he asked. I looked over at him. I opened my mouth as if to speak but didn't know what to say. Finally I just looked away."Why haven't you cried," he said again a little harsher. I still said nothing.
For some reason he thought it important that I cry. He hit me very hard in my left arm. I didn't make a sound. I just looked out the window. He hit me again, harder. The third time he hit me I looked back at him with a puzzled look on my face. John held my gaze and finally slid back to his side of the car.
The service was held outside in the crisp air. There was no snowfall yet, and I remember leaves blowing around. I thought to myself that it shouldn't be so sunny on such a day. The whole family was there except Mom's parents who couldn't make it up in time and Dad's dad who lived on the west coast.
I sat on a chair next to Rose. She was sitting next to Dad crying very softly. A priest stood up and talked about stuff that didn't make any sense to me. All I could focus on was the tiny little coffin in front of me. It seemed even smaller outside in the light of day. When they lowered Penny's small casket in the ground, Rose's crying got worse. I wanted to say something to comfort her, but I didn't know the words. Instead I reached out and held her hand. She gripped mine back tightly.
When the service was over everyone got up to leave. Steve told Dad that all of us brothers would stay a little bit longer by the gravesite, and that we would all come home together. Dad, Rose and Kathy left in the same car. Steve said something to some guy there and started to fill the dirt over Penny's grave himself. The guy left and soon came back with two more shovels for Geno and John. They joined in and helped Steve. I stayed in my chair watching them, not saying a word. Some other guy came up to Steve and said that he didn't have to do that. In fact nobody does that. Steve replied,"We're her brothers. We'll do it. She's had enough strangers touch her." Steve motioned for me to come over to him. He gave me the shovel and had me help a little.
Soon we were done. We stood there a little not talking before Steve handed the shovels back to some grounds keeper. On the ride home we still didn't speak that much. When we got to the house in Cambridge we saw the driveway and yard were packed with cars. Steve pulled around to the barn and parked. As we walked by the barn on the way to the house Steve stopped ,turned and punched the barn door. He then turned and walked in the backdoor holding his hand.
Inside the house I sat on the couch. Occasionally people would come by and say something to me. But mostly I just sat there alone. From where I was sitting I could see Steve and Kathy sitting next to each other at the dining room table, holding each other tightly. Dad sat at the Kitchen table with Rose as always by his side. Geno had went outside to be away from everyone. After a while I got up. I walked up the stairs towards my bedroom. At the top of the stairs I could see into John's room. He was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. When he saw me looking at him he just glared.
Before I got to my room I stopped by the attic door. I opened it and slowly walked up the stairs. I went over to the spot with the loose floorboard and moved the boxes I had left sitting on top it. With very little effort I pulled the board up and took out the bag holding the Teddy Bear I had bought 3 months earlier. Kneeling on the floor, I took the bear out of the bag and held him in my hands. My fingers traced his face and eyes. I thought how lonely Penny must be in that coffin.
Holding the teddy bear close to my chest I found myself starting to shake uncontrollably. Soon tears came welling up from deep inside me. I cried with a rage and a sorrow I had never felt before. My face felt hot against the tears. I kept muttering ,"I'm sorry", over and over again. I tried to scream out but found no sound would come out. I cried so hard up in that attic that I exhausted myself.
When I was done. I carefully put the bear back in the bag. I lowered him back to the space under the floor and gently put the board back over him.
I walked down the stairs and went to my room to lay down. Soon there was a gently knock. I looked up. It was my Grandma. She held a package in her hands. For the life of me I couldn't understand why she have a present on a day like this.
"Happy Birthday ", she said and handed me my gift. She knelt down and held me tight. She kissed me on my cheek. "I'm so sorry it had to be today." She stood up and walked out of my room. I opened my present to find a toy gun and holster. A cowboy hat came with it. I stared at them for a moment then tossed them on the floor. I laid down on my bed and soon found myself fast asleep.