Does Not Work And Play Well With Others

I'm a very smart person.
I have friends who know more on individual subjects then I do. For example Mark knows far more on Computers and Pornography then I do. (Once before he was married I spent the night at his house. I opened a door to find a room full of porn magazines. All I can tell you is it reminded very much of the room where they hid the Lost Ark in at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.) All my friends have far more intensive singular or plural subjects that they excel in.
I pride myself that I know a lot about most everything save modern culture (I know nothing of sports save all of Boxing and the 1985 Bears. I'm worse with Music. My Music knowledge ends with the Beatles and the Beach Boys.) My reading collection is varied. On my nightstand is a book about ancient Troy, another about Jack The Ripper, and one about Astronomy. I am well versed in other subjects ranging from Dinosaurs (I still have the How and Why Wonder Book about Dinosaurs from 1st grade.) to the Civil War. I know why the Croissant is shaped like a crescent. I knew the Titanic had broken in two, years before the wreck was ever found. (Until then it was thought it had sunk in one piece. Some people actual thought it was low enough on the ocean floor where it was perfectly preserved and could one day be brought up.) Everytime I look up into the night sky it is with a sense of awe and wonder. I know I am seeing things thousands to millions of years old. I know I'm looking into the past.
My knowledge is vast.
And useless.
The only real benefit from what I know is that when I find myself in a bad situation, I can dift away and imagine I'm somewhere else. For example one time when my sadistic Eye Doctor was sticking a 39 inch needle in my eye(Was it smaller? Didn't seem smaller as it came close to my eyeball), I was able to imagine I was walking the streets of Pompeii moments before Vesuvius blew it's top. When my father would yell at me as a young man I would imagine what it was like the day the asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs. (The rumble of his voice provided some very good sound effects.) When my ear acts up and I spend the next week or so flat on my back with vertigo I use this same technique.
But yesterday standing in line at Wal-Mart, no amount of drifting away could hide the fact that I was in the speedy checkout lane behind a woman with a cart full of groceries. To be fair I should have noticed her in front of me. But her enormous size prevented me from seeing what was in her cart. Also this was a woman of unsurpassed ugliness. So to avoid harming my eyes any further I spent my time in line reading TV Guide. The line was moving fairly fast and I thought if I paid her no attention she'd go away.
Finally when I was next in line she started putting her many items on the checkout counter. This was the less then 20 items lane. My first clue that I was in trouble was when she had put so many things on the counter some began falling off. I looked away from my TV Guide to her bending over to pick up whatever it was she had dropped. All I could see was her butt coming out of stretch pants that long ago exceeded their recommended level of stretching. Not since the Titanic had encountered the Ice Berg as man seen such a wall of white.
I wanted to back up but there were at least 7 people behind me. I glanced over and saw there were only 3 other lanes open and all were completely full. I put my TV Guide down and saw finally the horror awaiting me. There could have been a 60 item or less lane and this behemoth still would have been 40 items over. I took a deep breath and tried to drift away to somewhere more pleasant.
Unfortunately like a Rhino sensing her prey she heard me breathe and craned her great head in my direction. "You have a problem?", she huffed.
Most people would have said nothing. Most people would have just understood they were going to be there for a long while. Most people would try to be polite. Not me.
"Yes", I said evenly.
Her small little black eyes stared at me waiting for an answer. Finally she asked, "What's your problem?"
"My problem is with the fact you are talking to me instead of continuing to put what looks like one days worth of food for you on the checkout counter." I smiled. "I also have a problem with your reading skills." I pointed at the "Less Then 20 Items", sign.
"I can go anywhere I want", she said.
"I highly doubt that. Now can you please keep taking your stuff out of your cart so we can all leave." I heard mummers of argreement behind me. At this point I thought she was just using me as in excuse to rest her truly mammoth arms. She at last turned away from and reached a beefy hand into the cart. She pulled out some Hamburger all priced half off.
"Is this safe?"
The checkout girl responded. "I'm sure it is."
"Could you check." She seemed to be having a great difficulty breathing. I was afraid she'd have a heart attack and delay me going home even further.
The checkout girl picked up the phone next to her and called a manager over. While they waited the fat lady and the checkout girl began chatting.
"Oh Good God', I said pretty loudly.
"I don't want to catch mad cow disease."
"If anyone could I'm sure you would. But I'm also fairly sure that Wal-Mart isn't going to be putting out bad meat." (I wasn't sure in fact, but there was no way I was telling this beast that.) I was losing my good mood. "While we wait could we keep taking things out of the damn cart? If you need help I'll lend a hand."
The manager came over and confirmed for everyone to know that yes Wal-Mart was not knowingly selling mad cow beef.
Finally the blob shaped woman in front of me started taking items out of her cart again. Close to the end she asked what the price was on a bag of sugar. The checkout girl rang it up and said something like," $1.75".
"I thought it was $1.45?"
In my mind I tried desperately to find some happy place to go. The San Francisco earthquake of 1908? No go. Pearl Harbor ? Nope couldn't go there either. The Hindenburg? Couldn't go there. It seemed I was stuck with this bovine in front of me.
It seemed my discomfort was showing. "I'm going as fast as I can", said the checkout girl.
"I highly doubt that."
At last the call came back. It was $1.75. The great white whale in front of me protested. "I was sure it was $1.45."
"Good GOD LADY! I'll pay you 30 cents to just forget it!" I tossed two quarters on the counter. "Keep the change."
Finally it was over. I glanced at the clock on the wall. 15 minutes had passed since she got to the counter.
I put my 3 items on the counter. Another checkout girl came up and told the girl, "It's your lunch break."
So I had to wait another 2 minutes while the one girl took her drawer of money out and the other girl signed herself in.
As I walked out to my truck later the Hippo sized lady was still throwing her groceries into her van. As I was getting into the truck she called over to me, "I Hope you get Mad Cow and die!"
"No Offense Lady, but it would be more pleasant than standing behind you again."
With that I got into my truck and drove away.
My wife tells me I'm too judgemental at times.