Over

Yesterday at 9.32 in the morning my marriage to my wife quietly ended in a courtroom in Cambridge Illinois. It had been a day long coming.
I had long imagined what I would say when it was over. There had been times when I would think gleefully of spiteful things to say to her. I was sure I would feel a sense of victory.
But standing a few steps behind her while she told the Judge she agreed to our terms for divorce I felt no such sense. I felt strangely empty. My life for the last 15 months had centered around this divorce. Everything I did was in one way or another a reaction to it. Now that it was over I am unsure of my next steps.
I hold no hatred or even anger towards my ex wife. ( wow....First time I've thought of her that way.) That has long since faded away. While I strongly disagree with many of the choices she has made they were hers to make. Also I have to admit I like myself much better now than I did 15 months ago. I like were my life is at and where it's headed. If she had not done what she had done I would still be unhappy and can only guess that so would she. My feelings for her are complicated but she is the mother of my kids and I truly hope the best for her.
My original plans for celebrating the end of this divorce was to treat myself with a nice dinner out of town and some quiet time to myself. But I was I leaving the courthouse I turned the car around and drove the 20 minutes back to my home and the children I had fought for. I spent the day and the night with them. We didn't do anything special. We watched a movie on DVD. I helped Ethan build a castle for a school project. ( One which he knew about 3 weeks ago and only told me about 5 days ago. Thanks a whole heap there buddy!)I read a story to Isaac. When the night was over I stood in their doorway and watched them sleeping in their bed. At that moment I felt truly grateful and realized I had indeed won a victory.
I'm unsure of my next step. I like my life now. For the first time in my life I don't feel the need to have someone to complete me. I won't rush into anything. When the time is right everything will fall into place. I do have faith that I will find someone.
I truly like the quiet moments in my life now.