He's Still Here

Sorry I haven't posted much this week (at all), but I've been dealing with John's presence here. John is always easy to deal with as an abstract these days. Seeing him triggers something in me that I don't like very much. So for the days he's around I kind of retreat into myself a little.
Honestly if it was just the events of 17 years ago I'd be over it by now. People have done bad things to me since then, some almost as bad. John's problem is everytime I relax or let my guard down he says something insanely stupid that just pisses me off all over again.
Example; Years ago when Ethan was almost 3, John came home for a couple of weeks on leave. On one of those nights I (stupidly) invited him over to watch a movie. Angie was in the other room doing a puzzle or something leaving just me and John to watch the movie with my son Ethan sitting on my lap.
John always makes a big deal about his snacks during a movie. He has to have just the right popcorn and candy. Before the movie started he went out and got his candy, which he then poured into a glass bowl I had. Ethan was acting goofy, showing for John while he popped the popcorn.
At one point during the movie Ethan grabbed a large handful of candy and took a bite out of it. Some went into his mouth some fell on the floor, and some fell back into the candy dish. Ethan then reached into the candy bowl again to take another bite. John stared at the bowl a moment then pushed it away from himself. When Ethan reached into the popcorn bowl John again pushed away the bowl and refused to eat anymore.
The next day John took me for a ride and in short order began ask me if maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to whip Ethan more. Maybe I'd be a better parent if I would beat him a little.
"Think about it", he said. "How good would he do in a class room right now?"
"Not very good", I said, "Considering he's only 2 years old!"
"If he were my son I would have whipped him for grabbing the candy like that." He spent the next 6 minutes of the ride telling me what a horrible parent he thought I was. When he dropped me off he looked at me and said, "I'm glad we're close enough to share things like this."
I was so angry I couldn't speak. Another time he told me I should spank Isaac as well to make him behave.
The best was one time when he stopped by and my anger towards him was showing. I didn't say much too him before I left for work. My anger baffled him. I couldn't be angry at him because after all he was John and no one in their right mind would be angry with John. So after I had left he pulled my wife aside and asked her if I was beating her.
(The really ludicrous part of this is there is a universal agreement among my friends that my wife could kick my ass.)
"Are you out of your mind?". Angie asked.
"No really, you can trust me. I'm here to help you."
It would have served him right if Angie had beaten John for asking such a stupid question. (There is also universal agreement among my friends that Angie could kick John's ass as well."
So you see that's just a little reason why John brings out ugly emotions in me. There are many more things I could say but again this isn't about John it's about me.
I don't like the way I feel when I'm around him. Part of it is I still want to be the little brother to his big brother. Part of me wants to take him to a quiet spot in a cornfield and leave him for dead. Another wants to shake him and scream," Give me back my brother!"
I'm leaning towards the cornfield idea.
Now to be fair this time home, John said or did nothing too horrible. This could have something to do with the fact that I stayed away from him as much as possible.
Anyway he's leaving tomorrow, so give me a couple of days to detox from all the negative John feelings, and I'll be back to my funny self in no time.
I wish I could get rid of these feelings. They make me feel so out of control. Usually when I dislike someone I feel very little towards that person. I'm able to plot whatever revenge I take towards that person without losing control.
I wish I drank. Right now I'd get hammered.
Sometimes I envy Geno's anger management technique. He goes into a room, lights his bong and within minutes all is right with the world.
I'll leave you with the words of John's second and current wife. She's Korean so use an accent when you read it to make it sound like her. "John is a bad husband. John is a bad father. He's a bad son and brother. But he's a good soldier."