I find Religion



My first experience with religion that I can remember was my Dad sitting in front of the TV laughing at the Sunday morning televangelist . I'd walk in and ask,"What are you watching Dad?" Dad laughed louder. "A bad actor ",he said. Dad apparently didn't take religion too seriously at this time.
My second brush with religion was when I was in the hospital with kidney problems related to my b.b. injury. They weren't sure at the time what was wrong with me. The Doctors thought I might die at one point. So my parents brought in a priest to baptize me. I didn't know a lot about religion at the age of 4. But I did know that having a priest standing in front of your hospital bed speaking in Latin wasn't good. My Mom was standing to one side trying to hide her tears. So of course I screamed the entire time. I'll say this for the priest , he took it all in stride. He acted like having a screaming boy in front of him was a everyday thing.
2 years later I was wanting to know more about religion. My Grandma would go to church every Sunday. She'd tell me it was good for the soul. One Sunday she took me with her. I was very intrigued. The Priest was talking about Adam and Eve. I asked Grandma who they were. She told me that they were the first people alive. They were created on the 6th day.
"6th day", I asked. "Well what about the dinosaurs? They lived for millions of years before man did."
Grandma smiled. "You need to go to Sunday school. They'll teach you all you need to know." She leaned in close to me and whispered,"They know everything"
Everything? I was stunned. The secrets of the universe were being taught in the basement of this church on Sunday? I had to go. When I got home I asked Dad if we could start going to church on Sunday. Dad was sitting in his chair drinking a beer. He stared at me for a minute then broke out laughing. The only one who thought it was a good idea was my Mom. My brothers and sister thought it was a dreadful idea. My brothers all stayed up very late on Saturday nights watching Creature Feature. The idea of getting up early on Sunday was just wrong as far as they were concerned. Rose was against it because I was for it.
I would not be so easily denied the secrets of the universe. I vowed I would force them to take me. I started a reign of terror.
One early morning Mom was ironing shirts. I sat in the room watching her. When she turned to answer the phone I knocked the iron down on the shirt she was ironing at the time. It soon started to burn the shirt. Mom turned around and saw it. She picked the iron up and saw the large burn mark. I stared up at her smiling.
"Why did you do this !?"
"The Devil made me do it. I need to go to Sunday school."
The next day in school I pushed a few girls down in the mud. My teacher kept me after school that day. When Dad came to pick me up she told him what I had done. My Dad was mad. He asked me what was I thinking.
"The Devil made me do it."
2 days later I poured all of Dad's beer down the sink. Dad was so mad he could barely talk . "What the hell are you doing?"
"Devil made me do it."
Later I spray painted one of Rose's Barbie dolls blue. Mom found it and showed it to me.
"Devil."
This went on for two weeks. Finally Dad relented and agreed that we would all go to church and would sign me up to go to Sunday school. I was overjoyed. Soon all the secrets I desired would be mine. That Saturday night I read my favorite book , The How And Why Book On Dinosaurs . I wanted to know what questions I should ask my Sunday school teacher.
The next morning we all got ready. Steve ,Geno , and John all gave me angry , tired looks. They all looked very uncomfortable in their Sunday clothes. Perhaps it was because they had never worn them before. Rose came out of her room and shot me an evil look. I ignored her. Soon I know everything I wanted.
Dad walked out of his room in his nicest suit."Lets get this over with", he grumbled. We drove to church to start our new religious life .
At the doors of the church Steve ,Geno , and John all stared at Rose as she walked in. They all had funny smiles on their faces. I later asked what was so funny. John told me that they thought she might burst into flame as soon as she walked in. Other then that my brothers showed no humor at all about being up so early and at church. We went in and sat down. My parents , Rose and I in one row, and my brothers in the row directly behind me.
During the sermon , my Mom was the only one besides me who looked as if she was enjoying herself. Dad looked like some trapped animal at times. His eyes constantly darting around looking for the nearest exit. At one point during the sermon the priest asked everyone to shake hand with those around us. Some strange man in front of me turned around and shook my hand. So I turned around to shake one of my brothers hands.
Steve , Geno ,and John glared at me with their arms folded.
When the sermon was over, my parents walked me across the church grounds to the Sunday school building. My parents introduced themselves to the teacher , a kindly looking Nun. She greeted my parents happily , and told them she was looking forward to me attending her class. Dad said he would pick me up when class was over in about a hour. I watched my parents leave, happy that soon I would be learning the secrets of the universe.
The kindly Nun introduced me to the rest of the class. She handed me a book and started to write the class lesson on the chalkboard. I eagerly began to thumb threw the book. It was full of bible stuff. Adam and Eve, Noah, some stuff about a big tower, Charlton Heston saving the Hebrews, but nothing about Dinosaurs , or even UFO's. Maybe this was the wrong book?
The Nun turned around and addressed the class. "Ok if everyone could open your books to page 45." I raised my hand. Smiling she said,"Yes Tom?"
"What about the dinosaurs?"
Her smile faded a little bit. "Excuse me?"
"Well what about the dinosaurs? When did they live? If man was created on the 6th day when did dinosaurs live?"
The smile faded just a little bit more. "Well that's not our lesson today, but I think that God just put the bones in the ground to test our faith. " Her smile returned."OK class can anyone tell me why we...."
I interrupted her by saying loudly ,"God did what?"
Her smile faded completely now. "Tom you can not keep disrupting class."
"Are you telling me Dinosaurs aren't real?" I was pretty upset here. Looking around I could see I wasn't the only one. "Why would God do something like that?"
She didn't look so sweet and kindly anymore."Like I said, to test our faith. Now if we can move on?"
"That's crazy", I said very loudly. I started thumbing through the book again. "Where does it say that?"
Another little boy raised his hand." You mean Triceratops isn't real?"
I looked up from the book. "I can't even find dinosaurs in this book! Why would God lie about the dinosaurs?"
The nun now looked angry. "God does not lie!"
"But you said he just made up the bones! Dad says when you make up stuff it's a lie!"
"God does not lie!"
"Well either you're lying or God's lying !" It was at this point she turned from a sweet kind Nun into a mean old lady making stuff up about God and the dinosaurs. It was also 30 seconds before she threw me out of her class.
When Mom and Dad came to pick me up they found me sitting on a bench in front of the building with a priest. Dad was informed that perhaps I was not ready to attend Sunday school. Dad asked the priest what had happened.
" He called God and his Sunday school teacher liars."
Mom and Dad yelled at me all the way home.
"You bugged us for weeks to do this , and you get kicked out the first day!" Dad was being very unreasonable I thought.
Mom looked horror struck. "How can we ever show our faces there again?"
Dad looked like a light bulb had just gone off above his head. "Well we can't," He said slowly." Not for a very long time." Dad drove the rest of the way home with just a hint of a little smile on face.
And that ended the religious phase of my life.