Mark Tries to Catch the Train

OK. I'm all done with sad stuff for a while. But for the record , yes as far as I know the Teddy Bear is still there in the attic. I've driven by the house a few times and it's in bad shape. A lot of damage to the roof. Surprisingly it's still lived in. I've thought of going there a few times however to check and see if the Bear is still there.
The last time was around 7 years ago. The house was empty and for rent. My thought was to see if I could rent it out for one night and have a Halloween party there. I thought it was a great idea. It was greeted with universal condemnation by my family. Steve wanted nothing to do with it. Rose wouldn't even think about it. Steve's son Kris didn't even want to go in the house and he wasn't even born until almost 2 years after we had left that house.
Only Dad was interested at all. He just got a distant pissed of look and said, "I've always wanted to go back in there." It was almost as if he had unsettled business with that house. But in the end my plans failed and there was no Halloween party.

But it's Tuesday and this is the day when I ask questions and such. So before I tell you a very funny Mark story, let me ask a question of you. Should I change the name of my blog? And if so what should it be? My Drivel somehow doesn't seem to fit any longer. Anyway just something for you to ponder about. If you're in the mood for some pondering.

Ok on to funny stuff.
It occurred to me last night that I've mentioned Mark many times in this blog but yet never really talked about him. All you know of him is that he's (still) expecting a son to be born, and that it was his sick idea for me to spill the family secrets. So you must ask what sort of person is behind this whole idea? What massive intelligence thought all this up? Let me tell you ....................
Mark is now a very successful mid level management type guy who works for a company that is only slightly behind Osama Bin Laden in popularity polls. He his married with three daughters and a son (STILL ) on the way. In every respect he appears to be a very capable upstanding man who would never do anything stupid.
Which maybe true now but only a few years ago Mark was a very successful drunk. He was always good with computers but where he really excelled in life was killing massive amounts of his brain cells with equally massive amounts of liquor. The more he drank the more foolish he became.
For instance in 1987 he was so drunk that one night he was showing people how he could run up walls. Naturally gravity pulled him back down onto the arm of a wooden chair I believe. Whatever it was he had a truly massive bruise on his leg. So obviously the next night when I came to visit him at his college he had to show me how he did it. The next night he had to go to the emergency room because of all the blood pooling into the bottom of his leg. When against Doctor's orders he went out with me and a friend to go to haunted houses we got to hear the truly classic line from his Dad, "If your leg gets worse and it has to be amputated, Don't Come Crying To Me Mister ! ."
We of course still went out.
But this pales compared to a night in 1992 or so. Mark had been out drinking heavily that night. When the bars closed he and a equally drunk friend bought a pizza and were staggering home to eat eat it. Before they could get far they came to the train tracks where they had to wait for a passing train. Mark stood there holding the pizza watching the train pass. He began to get impatient for the train to hurry up so he could go home to eat his pizza. (Mark got very hungry when he got drunk.) So to hurry the train along he slapped the it.
He slapped a train weighing more then 200 hundred tons and moving at 20 miles an hour.
Anyone ever hear that old question ,"What would happen if a irresistible force hit an immovable object?" Well I don't have the answer for that. I do have the answer for the question,"What would happen if an 160 pound drunk man hits an irresistible force?" He is instantly thrown more then 10 feet down the tracks (Thankfully away from the train), and his pizza is ruined.
Oh and he also breaks his right hand.
Mark was far more lucky than he should have been. The train could have just as easily taken his hand with it. He could have been thrown into the train. I could have had a video camera and won $100, 000 on Americas Funniest Home Videos.
Instead he ends up with just a broken hand and a reputation as a wild man. Soon his story becomes a legend that I'm sure kids at his college will believe to be an urban myth in the future.
Months later however, after his hand has healed I come down to visit Mark again. Again we spend the night drinking. Again Mark get drunk. At the end of the evening we end up back at Mark's apartment with some other people. For some unknown reason he gets into a shouting match with one of them. As he's yelling at the front door to his apartment complex he kicks the door with his bare foot. A door made up of glass.
So again quite naturally his foot goes though the door and is cut to pieces.
Mark sobers up immediately. Mark, his sister, and I took Mark to the Emergency Room. (At this point they were on a first name basis with him there.) As he was wheeled back to the E.R. I told the nurse that it was against Mark's religion to have any pain killers of any type. Sadly they did not believe me I think. Later I asked if I could have the foot if they had to cut it off.
At one point the nurse asked me ,"Are you a friend of his?"
I said ,"Nope. Best enemies."
Later the next morning we both slept late. His work called to see why he wasn't there. I got up from the couch to answer the phone. At the same time Mark jumped out of bed to also answer the phone. He landed on his foot and fell to the ground. I picked the phone up and answered,"Marks place!"
"Um ...Yeah, I was wondering why Mark wasn't at work today?"
I looked at Mark trying to get up. His foot was heavily bandaged.
"Didn't you hear ?"
The guy on the other end of the phone sounded worried now. "No. What happened?"
"Last night he kicked a train."
He didn't say anything for a second and I could tell he wasn't sure if he should believe me or not.
"Really?"
"Yup."
Unfortunately Mark got to the phone and ruined my fun.
But what's important to remember is that his boss wasn't immediately throwing out the idea that Mark would kick a train. If it was anyone else they wouldn't believe me, but Mark...........Maybe.

I'm sure Mark will have his own version of these events Some perfectly logical reason why he did what he did. Just remember, ...... HE slapped a moving train! He's nuts.
Of course he's also my choice for a best friend so what does that say about me?