Right

In the early evening of July 23 1982, a man named Lonnie said to me, "Wow isn't it neat when exciting things happen!?"
I hit Lonnie with the best punch I had ever thrown in my life. My punishment was exile and a week's trip to a bible camp.
I hit Lonnie because it was the right thing to do. He was wrong on such a massive scale it's hard to even explain, and I was right. What's more I knew beyond any shadow of doubt I was right.
I was only 17 at the time and to me life was filled with only right or wrong. People were either good or bad. There was nothing better then standing up and fighting for something that was right. I hated bullies and loved standing up to them. While they all knew they could beat me up, most also knew that eventually they'd come swim in my lake. More then one bully ended up a mass of tears before he got to dry land.
And I did it because it was right. They were bad and someone needed to stand up to them.
Of everyone in my family I was the only one who would stand up against Dad when he was being a jerk and completely wrong. There was always a price to pay for it and I gladly paid it.
Because it was right to do.
Don't get me wrong. I was no goody twoshoes. I was always a little bit of a conniver and cad. But I had limits that under no circumstances would I cross.
I felt like I was some noble warrior fighting the good fight. Of course being noble didn't mean you couldn't fight dirty or mean. It just meant that you fought on the side of what was right.
Somewhere in my early 20's I lost my way. When I was younger I was actually a very centered and balanced person. By time I was in my early 20's a definite cruel streak had begun to emerge. I now began to find myself on the wrong end of conflicts. Where once I stood up for people being picked on, I now took a savage pleasure in being able to make pretty much anyone I met cry within 10 minutes of starting a conversation.
I knew what I was turning into and I didn't like it. The more I didn't like it, the more I turned into it. Where once I was at peace with myself, now I looked for ways to get myself into trouble. By the age of 23 I had a death wish. I put myself into dangerous circumstances, and even then I'd help it along a little. I was a liar, a cheat, and a thief. I wanted nothing more then to be punished
Eventually I ended back in Kewanee, a town I had tried to escape for many years. While here I met Angie and soon at the age of 28 I had a son.
Something happened to me while holding him for the first time. Instead of feeling anger towards the world I felt peace. For the first time in my life I felt clear purpose. I was a Dad. I had to guide him though life. Show him a better life then the one I ended up with. A world without French Doors.
I wanted no fights any longer. I wanted no conflicts, no punishment. I held his little hand in mine and felt connection for the first time in years.
6 years later Angie blessed me with another son.
No matter how bad life could get on the outside, in my home I always had the love of my wife and kids to get me though. I wanted no trouble from anyone. I just wanted to be a good Dad. My life before my kids were a distant memory.
Now for the first time in ages I find myself in a fight again. And for the first time in even longer I am on the right side.
Not since I was a young man has the sides been so black and white. If other people don't see it so clear, it bothers me not. I have the faith and strength of my convictions. Never before have I ever fought for anything with the stakes of that which I find myself fighting for now.
And for the first time in ages I have allies. (Of course one of my allies is my sister Rose. She's kinda like a doomsday machine. Once unleashed you never know where it's gonna explode.) For the first time in ages my entire family is behind me.
It's nice to be on the right side.
It doesn't mean that I don't feel afraid or nervous. I do. Very much so.
So now I find myself fighting a battle I rather wouldn't, but utterly convinced I need to fight it. I am resolute. I will fight this without losing who I am in the process. I will not surrender to anger or rage like John, or allow myself to forget who I am or what I am fighting for.
Hopefully this will not be a long battle, but even if it is I am prepared to wage it. I must not fail.
I've spent almost 20 years being unfocused in life for one reason or another. I had almost forgotten the intenisty I felt as a young man.
After this is all over I hope I can keep some of it.