Styx

I am faced with the understanding that where I once thought I had a wife who would have jumped off the last boat off the Titanic to stay with me, I now have a wife who would have hopped into the first, mostly empty lifeboat lowered, with some guy she met on the trip.
Living here is a weird echo of what I thought my life was a week ago. Everyone is still here. We still do the same things. The only difference is we know there is an asteroid named divorce hurdling our way.
I look at my wife with obvious conflicting emotions. On one hand she is the same woman I have loved dearly for almost 12 years. She's the same woman who I've shared my life and heart with. But she's also the same woman who has been lying her ass off to me since at least late summer. The nature of this affair is bizarre at best. Like most things in my life I can't have a nice normal breakup with my wife. If she had ran off with Bubbles the chimp, I wouldn't have been more floored to have found out what I have found out.
Shockingly I don't feel hatred or spite towards her. Most of my thoughts and feelings at this moment are directed towards my children. When I look at my wife, my feelings are mostly of sadness. I see her and remember a kiss or a hug from her lately and wonder, "Was it all a lie?" I find myself doubting even the most basic things she's done lately. I remember flashes of my past like a dance without music in our living room, or the way she would put her hands on both sides of my face before a kiss. With sadness I now realize I no longer live in a world where those things will happen again.
I find myself mourning for someone, while at the same time living with that person. It's a strange fate.
Even with everything I suspected during the last few months my love for her never wavered. In fact it still hasn't. But I must do what I can to protect myself, and more importantly, protect my children.
I know we had issues to overcome. I know we needed to work out problems together. But it was impossible with her shutting me out for some fantasy world. I begged her to just talk to me.
But she wouldn't. So now I find myself in a nether regions of marriage. It is like a dead man being taken by Charon across the River Styx.
Angie told me Tuesday morning she wanted to divorce me. I found out many of the details later on that night. As I read the post and e-mails I saw my old life collasping around me. At first I was too shocked too cry. Then I became too upset. John's betrayal really does not compare anymore.
Angie was at work that night.(Or at least I think she was) When she came home I asked her to lay next to me in bed and hold me for just one moment.
It wasn't for comfort.
I knew it would probably be the last time we did that. I lay there remembering a million other such times. I closed my eyes and saw my wife as she was years ago. I thought to myself I never deserved this woman. Whenever I saw her my heart would skip a beat. No matter what happened I had a wife who would love and support me. I lived in a world where I could face anything, because I wouldn't have to face it alone.
In my minds eye I kissed her gently one last time, and let her go. I opened my eyes and looked at me wife laying next to me. A great sadness filled my chest. I mumbled something to the extent of ,"Thanks I needed that." Angie, still not sure why I wanted her to lay next to me, got up and went back to her computer. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling for a long moment.
It was time for me to accept what type of world I live in.