You're So Vain You Probably Think This Blog Is About You
I often think of my brother John as two people. John before the divorce with Peggy, and John after the divorce. The change in him was so extreme he hardly seemed the same person. He let the hatred for his ex-wife consume him. Where there was once a constant smile there was now a hard face distorted by rage. So when I write these blogs about John before the split between him and I, it is with a great deal of love and humor. There is also a great deal of sadness.
Sometimes I can see the events I write of so clearly it's like I'm almost there. I want to reach out and grab him and shout, "What happened to you!" Don't let hatred of your ex-wife turn you into this. I'm angry with him not only for what he did to me, but also for what he did to his kids.
He joined the Army and left them behind. John said it was the best choice for him. But I believe that when you have kids you lose the luxury of choices. John should have stayed and been a father to his kids. Yes he has a good career in the military, but the cost seems high to me.
But maybe I'm seeing it though tinted eyes. I realize now that the same hatred I see in John, is also in me. My anger with him was such that any choice he made I would have condemned. Even then I just wanted to shake him and scream, "Give me my big brother back!" That anger is still in me.
Our falling out was 18 years ago. Children have been born and graduated High School in that time. John has moved on with his life.
So my choice is do I continue to let my anger fester, or do I give it up?
I'd truly like to give it up. I know now that John and I can never be what we were to each other. Too much time has passed for that. But the only thing that the anger I feel towards John accomplishes is to make me feel bad, and to also make me feel tired. (It takes a lot of energy to feel that angry.)
If my wife and I were to ever split, I would hope that I learn from John's lesson. The bad feelings between him and his wife consumed them both. Both children were affected negatively. I would hope that I emerged a better person and not a worse from something like that.
It's not easy letting go of the anger. I know. Even As I type this my pulse quickens at the thought of those many years ago. I know it does nothing make me an ugly person when I feel like that.
My whole purpose for writing this blog was twofold. One to give my kids a view (If somewhat distorted) of their past. The second was to show that anyone can become a better person.
I do truly believe that. I believe that anyone can learn from their mistakes and use them to their advantage.
Yet the ugly feelings in me remain. The child in me refuses to forgive his brother. And it makes me feel small and petty.
Steve is gone. I only have two brothers left. I'm almost 40. Both of them are older. We don't have time for this.
And yet the feelings remain. I wish there was a delete button somewhere for my emotions. But sadly there is not. I'll have to do it on my own if I want to become a better man..
Why does this matter? Because it touches so much of my life. If ever there was a moment of ultimate betrayal in my life it was the moment he tried to make me join the Air-Force when I needed him the most.
I have reacted with far greater anger then needed at other much smaller betrayals because of the memory of that one.
I wish I could learn the lesson of Mark. There have been a couple of times because I had my head wrapped around petty feelings that I have betrayed him. Yet each time he (eventually ) forgave me. (Or at least put it in his past.) When I think of that he shames me.
So what's the trick? How do you let go of something? How do you let emotions that have festered for almost 2 decades just float away?
If I can figure out how to do that I'll become a better man.
I won't be a great man. I might not even be a good man. (not yet) But I will be a better man.
And you see that's the rub of it. You never stop trying to be a better man. Because if you do something that makes you a better person and stop there, you've failed ultimately. The quest to be a better man is one that will last a lifetime.
There's always something else to improve.
(Cept for Mark)