Janice Versus Godzilla
In April of 1986 I was home from college for spring break. Sadly I did not get to go to the sunny beaches of Florida, but instead found myself stuck in my weary home town of Kewanee. I made the most of it, and lucky for me Mark was home from his college as well, so we usually found plenty to do.
The Saturday before school started back up, Mark and I found ourselves in the local video stores nursing a hangover and looking for a good movie or two to rent. When we walked in the first thing we saw was a six foot blow doll of Godzilla. It was some gimmick for the 1985 flop ,Godzilla 1985!.
At that moment insanity took us.
Mark and I began asking the person at the register how much it would take to buy it. We offered 100 dollars. "Sold!", said the video guy. Mark paid 80, I paid 20. Which I borrowed from Mark. (I'm not sure if I ever paid him back for that) Mark and I then discussed who got to keep him. I told Mark since I paid 20 I'd keep him till the end of the school year and then Mark would keep him forever after that.
So on that bright and sunny beautiful April afternoon I carried home Godzilla King of the Monsters and placed him in my bedroom. I already had grand plans for him when I returned to my frat house.
Mom called me downstairs and told me to get ready. "Get ready for what?", I asked.
"Your sister Rose is being confirmed in the Catholic Church tonight. Afterwards we're having a get together."
Now normally I really don't like going to church, but since I figured there was a real chance that my sister would burst into flames at some point in the affair I agreed. I called Mark, and he too thought the chances were high we'd be seeing fire. He also said he's attend.
So later as the sun went down I found myself in Church watching a Priest bless my sister. The moment came when the Priest said something like, "If anyone has just cause why this women should not be admitted into this church let him speak now or forever hold his peace." Dad glared at my brother John, Mark, and I. At that exact same moment a loud roar of thunder could be heard outside.
"Looks like God has an objection", John muttered under his breath. Mark and I did our best to not laugh. Dad continued to glare.
Thankfully the long Catholic ritual was over( we can never do things quick) and we walked home to throw the party for my newly sin free sister. (which I must admit again, I'm still having problems with) Mark was very upset that there was no bursting into flames. I told him the evening was young.
I heard the doorbell ring. Mom went to the front to answer and I heard her start laughing and yelling. "What the heck?", I thought. Mom came running into the dining room. Behind her was Geno wearing a pair of jeans, a ruffled tux shirt and a vest from a tweed suit I hadn't been able to find in a while. I was surprised to him as he lived up near Chicago now. Behind Geno was a blonde woman who appeared to be blushing. She was short and fat with a nervous laugh that wouldn't stop. She wore a white dress. We all stared in stunned silence.
With a big smile Mom said, "Geno's here and he's got some new for us."
Geno put his arm around the blonde woman's waist and said, "This is my wife Janice." Janice laughed and blushed even more. It was obvious they were both drunk. Dad sat down into a rocking chair. He put his hand up to his face, with the thumb under his chin and the rest of the fingers running up the side of his face. The look on his face was grave. He looked like he just found out his dog died.
On the other side of the room Mark and John were sitting at a table playing chess. They made no attempt to hide the humor they felt. Mark muttered something under his breath. "What?", I asked. Mark muttered it again.
"I can't hear you".
"She beats him. I bet she beats him." Mark looked like he was going to die laughing. John nodded and turned away he was laughing so hard. It turned out Janice worked at a ball bearing factory. Which was ironic because she looked like a ball bearing.
I was laughing so hard the horror of my Mom asking me, "Do you mind if Geno and Janice spend their wedding night in your room Tom?", didn't sink in right away.
"What?"
"We're going to let Geno and Janice spend the night in your room. I'm sure Mark won't mind if you spend the night at his house."
I was getting very desperate now. "But I only have two twin sized beds. Rose has a nice Queen sized in her room. Let them stay there." Rose had suddenly gone pale and was shaking her head no.
Mom laughed and said, "Oh it's not a problem We'll just push the beds together. This way they'll be right across the hall from me and your Dad in case they need anything." Dad sighed loudly. Mark and John were still laughing hard. Rose now even had a smile on her face.
I knew I was beaten. "Ok." I looked over at the wedding couple. "It's the first room on your left after you get to the top of the stairs." Mark and John were laughing so hard they weren't even pretending to play chess any longer. Mark kept saying softly every now and then, "She beats him....She beats him."
Janice said she was going to take her suitcase up to the room and change out of her wedding dress. She staggered out of the room, laughing nervously the entire time. This sent Mark and John into a new fit of laughter. Dad sighed even louder.
Suddenly there was an ear piercing scream. We heard loud thumps and Janice came running down the stairs. "There's a Monster up there! Monster!" She ran down the stairs so hard I thought she was going to fall though. She ran into Geno's arms and started crying.
Mom went over and started to comfort Janice. "It's ok. It's just a thing Tom bought. He'll take it with him to Mark's"
" Yeah.", I said. "There are some things even the King of the Monsters should never never see."
The next day after I came home, I pushed my two twin beds apart, took the sheets outside and burned them.
Dad still sighs everytime he sees Geno and Janice.
Godzilla would later die in a tragic drunken fishing accident.
Mark, after serving 3 years for drug running in Tijuana turned his life around and now works as a taste tester at Budweiser.
Janice has went on to star in other movies such as Janice versus Mothra and Destroy All Monsters.
I have yet to pay Mark the 20 dollars.
Rose has yet to Burst into Flames.
God stands by his objections.