Trust
I am having serious trust issues with my wife.
heh.
Sorry. Something about that I found funny. Not sure what.
Anyway. I used to trust my wife implicitly. When I had good news or bad, she was the one I wanted to share it with first.
Now that has changed.
It's sad on a million different levels. For one the memory of our good times still haunts me. Every now and then I look at her and my heart softens. Then I remember what has been happening and it hardens harder then before.
It's sad because we started out so much in love. I used to smirk (not so quietly) that we had something that most people would never know.
It's sad because there are children involved. Kids can never understand these things. All Ethan wants is everything to be back the same. I'm sure Isaac wants the same thing if he could tell us.
But what's particularly sad for me at the moment, is that this is the moment when we should be trying to trust each other the must. The future of our children is at stake. The perverse thing is if there was ever a time to work together it's when we are splitting apart.
I'll do my best, but the whole trust issue is hard. I'm prepared to fight this. I'm prepared to win. But we need to remember that even if we divorce we will be connected for the rest of our lives.
So for my part I plan to be as open with Angie during this as possible. I have the truth on my side, and I believe the law as well. I plan on trying to do this with as much dignity as I can.
I'm also prepared for the eventuality that this will get nasty. I hope not. I pray too God that it won't. (Yes even though I've been angry with the big guy off and on since 1982, I still believe in him. Sometimes I think of God as a big puppy and I'm his chew toy.) But I would be an idiot if I didn't plan for it.
But just because I am preparing for it doesn't mean I have to like it. I know if ever there was a cause to fight for it's this one. But I will not fight for the sheer pleasure of fighting.
( when I say fight please keep in mind I don't mean anything physical. I could count the number of times I've been in a real fight on one hand and still be able to flash you the peace sign with the fingers left over. In my family, fights are more of a mental game then anything. Some of my sister and I's bigger fights have exchanged without a word between us or a punch thrown.)
Like most things in my life I have multiple goals here. I truly believe that it is in my kids best interest to stay with me. I don't want to to unduly hurt my wife here either. And I want an outcome that somehow benefits us both.
It would be so easy to let anger rule my emotions here. It would be easy to just rant on with how much I am hurt and to wrap myself in all the sympathetic comments I get.
But to what end would that achieve? In the end I would still feel hurt, and Angie would be hurt even more so. In the end my children would suffer the most.
So no. Anger can not rule the day here.
unfortunately that's as far as my logic takes me at this point. I don't know all the answers here. (Other than Liz Taylor who has all the answers to a divorce?) At least I'm aware of some of the incorrect answers.

Ok now for a little lighter stuff.
Last night Ethan was trying to figure out what type of woman should be my next wife. I told him, "Hey buddy, I think it's a little too soon to be looking for my next wife. I need to get over your Mom Ethan. I don't think I'll get remarried anytime soon. If ever."
"What about a Doctor, or a Attorney?"
"I'm not sure if I could find one of those."
"Or an artist? "
"Well an artist sounds fine, but they can get a little flaky."
"Or a model?"
"Well yeah a model would be ok. I guess."
"What about someone who was all those things?"
Now two weeks ago this would have been the last conversation I would ever think about having with my son. What's funny is that in some small way I feel closer to him then I ever did before. It's a comforting feeling knowing that my 10 year old son is looking for a single woman between the ages of 21 and 22, who is an accomplished artist, and has also graduated from law school, and become a doctor. Also in her spare time she moonlights as a swimsuit model.
And she also has to like me.
Ethan also asked if maybe she could be a teacher as well as the other things.
"Hey buddy. Let's not set the bar too high for this woman."