Lessons

Ask anyone who knows me and they would tell you that I was very protective of my Mom. She was and always will symbolize what was best in my childhood. While I would jokingly refer to my Dad as Darth Vader, Mom was always compared to June Cleaver. She always made sure I was comforted when ill, or had cookies when I was good.
Yet I never related to her. She was my Mom and while I love her dearly, I really don't have a clue as to what makes her tick.
Which is funny because there were many times I couldn't stand my Dad. Yet I understood him all to well. Whenever I accomplished anything in my life it was Dad's attention or approval I was seeking the most. Whenever I won art ribbons in school it was Dad I desperately wanted to impress.
Perhaps it was the fact that I always had placed Mom on some pedestal of sainthood, while Dad was all too human. In my mind Mom never had to overcome any flaws. She was Mom and I didn't want her to change. (Well perhaps the criminal way she cooked Pork Chops woulda been ok.) Dad on the other hand was a man full of flaws.
Yet I took a strange comfort that he was a man who was constantly battling his inner demons. When he was hard on us I understood it was because he didn't want us to live the life he had led. My Dad and I were never friends yet I admire him more then anyone else for the gift he gave.
As I have wrote elsewhere Dad's gift to me was knowing that a person could overcome the mistakes and sins of his past and become a better person. My Dad's gift to me was redemption.
Now at the age of 39 I look at my life. I wonder what will be the gift I leave my children? What lesson can my kids learn from me? (Other then the value of a good insurance policy) I know whatever it will be it won't be anything planned.
I hope that it's a good lesson and not one where they say, "Don't want to end up like him." I hope it's something that gives them comfort in dark and sad hours. I hope it's one that's uplifting.
I'm thinking about this now for obvious reasons. This will be a crossroads for my children. Where it take anyone of us I do not know. For Ethan's and Isaac's sake whatever happens I must try to deal with it as well as possible.
Hopefully in that they'll find a lesson from me.



Sorry I haven't written as much lately. Hopefully I'll get back to a more or less regular schedule here soon.