Ghosts
Sometimes I believe I am haunted. Not by real ghosts like my family believes happened in Cambridge when I was a young man. But rather by the past. By the shadows of things that have once been.
When I say this I mean it in an almost literal sense.
A block from where my parents live is Main Street. There have been times where as I have walked to the Osco's there that I hear a faint Ambulance siren. And most times when I turn around there is nothing there. You see it's there that my friend Susie actually died.
When I would ride my school bus my senior year there was never a day that when my bus would go over the railroad tracks I would not hear a terrible grinding noise followed by screams. There were even times when I would be taking a nap on the bus when those sounds would wake me up.
Even to this day I will not look towards the track when I go over that crossing.
It's not just audio. There are times when a memory will over take me and I can almost see something from my past. There have been many times standing in my parents front yard that I could almost swear to have seen my brother Steve drive by. Always it's the same the window rolled down, his arm hanging out, the wind blowing his hair and smile on his face.
And once again , no these aren't ghosts. They are memories. Some , like that of Steve driving by my parents house are real. Others like where Susie died are imagined.
When my family moved from the 40&8 ( the private park where I spent most of my teen years) I refused to go back for a long while. Every inch of that place was full of memories. Some sad, many happy. It was a long while before I could deal with them.
Even here in my own home there are almost too many. Standing in my living room I will often see it as it looked right after the fire. A gaping hole in my floor. The room black and burned. I took no photo's of it because I knew I'd remember it forever.
Among my many weakness' (please see Mark for a detailed list) is an inability to move on and forget the past. Hell anyone who has read this blog in anything more than a glance would tell you that.
So when a year ago today (see how weird it is? I hadn't thought about it. I made to effort to bookmark this in my memory, but when I woke up this morning I knew that it had been a year. To the day.) I found out my wife was planning to leave for a man whom she met over the internet and whose name makes him sound like a (bad) McDonald's happy meal, I was very worried that I was going to fall apart and focus on things that were no longer true. ( Like my wife was faithful.........and sane.) I worried that I would do what I had done so often in my past and make a bad situtation worse.
I sat in my computer chair that dark night and feared at what the future would bring. I looked around my room. I got up and looked at my kids who were sleeping. I walked around my home that I had fought for after the fire afraid that now I might lose it, and my children, to my wife.
Now a year to the day from that night I'm pleased to say that I still live in my home. I'm even more pleased to say that so do my kids. I'm even more pleased to say that my wife does not.
I am now working at my son's school, and am taking classes to finish up my college. Hopefully one day I'll become that bad history teacher I've always dreamed of becoming.
Many nights I still find myself standing in my kid's doorway and looking at them as they sleep. Now I am no longer worried that I might be losing them. Now I just stare and think how lucky I am.
When 2004 began I thought it would be the worst year of my life. And here now a year later I look back and rank it among the very best.
There is no romantic prospects on my horizons. Nor am I looking to hard right now. I enjoy the way things are now. And when the time is right I will know.
As for my wife I hold no ill feelings. She gave me 2 kids and 7 happy years. As baffling as her actions still are to me I truly believe she did what she thought was best for herself. Weather I agree or disagree is no longer for me to say. I hope her life is a happy one.
Working at the school I used to attend does have it's problems for a man who often sees his own past in front of him. There are a few times I see three kids running down the halls making much noise. I'm about to yell when I see it's just Mark George, and me.
Not all haunted memories you see are bad.