My Fine Day
When Mark first suggested I write this blog it was because I have.....Interesting days.
Like Friday.
First a little background.
I'm hoping to get a job this fall at the local grade school, as a Playground Supervisor and perhaps a teachers aid. To help make ends meet until then I've gotten a very part time working for the local Chamber Of Commerce. (It sounds much better when I put it that way.)
My job consist of walking around the bushiness area in the mornings sweeping up cigarette butts and other trash. Most people who see me probably think I'm working off some sort of community service. I do it because the hours are perfect for me to spend with my kids. I only need a little bit of help with babysitting.
Which brings me to Friday.
It was around 9 in the morning, I'm minding my own business and walking along and sweeping up. About 20 feet in front of me is an elderly couple walking towards me. Just then a bug of some sort flew down my throat.
I do what any person would do, and make the weird gestures and noises when you've just swallowed another life form. As I'm doing that the elderly couple walk by me. I hear the old lady say (none to softly), ,"Isn't it nice that they give the mentally Handicapped Jobs here in Kewanee?"
"Madam", I say, "I have an IQ of 149 thank you very much". She looks at me and walks away. Maybe it would have helped my case if I wasn't still making a few facial ticks from the bug going down my throat.
Towards dinner time I went to my Mom's. She has a fence around her yard that she wanted taken down. It was built 12 years ago by yours truly, but was now old and rotten (again like yours truly.) I took a big AXE Hammer and proceeded to knock down the boards between the fence post. My oldest son Ethan would take the knocked down boards and stack them up by my Mom's garage.
After I was done with that I began pulling the Fence Post out of the ground. I was about halfway done when I stepped on a nail from a knocked down board. The very sharp and very rusty nail went into my shoe and right into my foot. I began to cuss and scream, and insult the parentage of the offending nail. (I can't say in this family friendly blog what I accused it of but let's just say Monkey Love was involved.)
I limped into the house and showed my Mom. She was very worried and upset and asked me when was the last time I had a tetanus shot. I said I believed it was sometime during Ronald Reagans last term as President. I was then sent to the emergency Room to get a new one. I told Ethan to be careful while I was gone, putting away the last boards.
When I got back from getting a needle jabbed into my arm I saw Ethan standing by my Mom's garage with my heavy AXE Hammer hitting one of the few remaining fence post with it, trying to knock it down.
I limped towards him saying, "No No buddy, You've got to be careful. Those Fence Post are old and rotten." I put my hand on top of the post to show him how unstable they were and gave it a little shake.
Of course at that moment the Fence Post decided to fall over into the thorn bushes my Mom's neighbors have.
Taking me with it.
The entire left side of my face was now covered I blood from the many cuts and scraps I received on my trip down. I now began to insult the thorn bush (Again Monkey Love was involved.) Ethan went running into the house and got my Mom. I fell onto my back and thought to myself, "Perfect ending to a perfect day."
Mom came out and did all the, "Oh God', stuff a Mom's supposed to do in a time like that. She asked if I needed anything.
"Bring me a camera", I said, still covering my cut side of my face.
"Why?"
" We'll say I got into a fight with my wife and she did this."
Mom was sending Ethan into the house when I told her I was just joking. Mom just doesn't get my sense of humor sometimes.
"Do you want to go back to the E.R.?", Mom asked.
I told her that even if my face fell off, (Which at that moment felt like a very real possiblity) I was not going back there.
Later in my Mom's bathroom I washed up my face. I looked in the mirror and saw all the cuts and scratches covering the left side of my face.
"Oh man that's going to cut down on my love life."
It was at that time my Dad came downstairs and saw me. Mom told him what happened. Dad squinted his eyes and stared hard at me.
"Improved your looks I see", was all he said.
Dad always knows what to say to make me feel better.

Bear

Wow I've been pretty lazy in the past couple of weeks. Only posting a few old blogs and so forth.
Ethan's birthday turned out real well. He had many friends come over for his party and, ,most of his family. I got him a big white dog named Bear for his birthday. My hope is that Bear will become what Duke was to me. He seems to really love him.
I was also dealing with the approaching end of the school year. Trying to get everything ready for the kids this year.
I'm a somewhat different type of Father I guess then most parents. I look forward greatly to having the kids home. I'm always a little sad whenever I have to send them back to school because I won't spend that much time with them.
Isaac had his last day of Pre-School on Wed. I can't tell you how much I am proud of him for what he's accomplished this year. A year ago he had very little spontaneous speech. I remember being so happy that he said the color yellow about a year ago I bloged it. Now he chatters on constantly. He can indentify almost every color and his word usage has increased many times what it was. I still can't understand much of what he says, but he's forming some sentences and making his wishes known. He still has a long way to go, but his progress in my opinion has been great.
His social skills have also went though the roof. A year ago during his birthday party he hid in his room, because he was upset by all the people here. He waited till most were gone before he came back down.
This year during Ethan's party he played with Ethan's friends, and interacted with everyone here. I swear there was one point where he laughed for 30 minutes straight. During the upcoming summer break I hope to work with him and see him progress even more. I write the story of my life here in the very great hope that one day Isaac will be reading it to his kids one day.
Anyway I'll try and post more. I have many more things I'd like to write down here before I walk away and try to reedit it in a more readable form.

The French Have Discovered Me.
I belong to a Yahoo support group that I post to every now and then. A couple of days ago a fellow member posted a response to one of my messages that had nothing to do with my original message. Instead it seemed she had picked up the rather odd idea that I don't like the French. And being French she was offended.
I was hurt.
I love the French. I really do. I couldn't understand why anyone would think that I don't. They're a really great people.
Ok, Ok, they've had a wee bit of a problem lately winning wars without our help. So they surrender to the first German they see. So they've managed to turn a Disney Theme Park into an example of unsurpassed rudeness. Who cares? So their school children are required to learn the word Collaborate in every language on the planet. Who cares? They are a great and fun people.
Then it hit me. She had read my blog.
Please don't take anything I say like, "Cheese eating surrender monkey", or " Second Rate County with delusions of greatness" to heart. I'm just joking. It's all in good fun. When I say that the only problem with France is that it's full of French people I mean it in the best possible way.
In September of 2003 I had another problem with people thinking I didn't like France. I posted an apology. I'll Post here again for anyone to read.

it's been noted to me that I have made a few statements that are less then kind to the French. I was told to say that not all French people are worthless. And I agree. There were some very upstanding Frenchmen in the early 1800's. But in order to appease (A word the French know all to well)our French "friends" and avoid any unpleasantness, I'll offer my apologies.
Because I know what'll happen if I don't. They'll get mad and insist on a duel. I'll agree and immediately they'll give up. Before I know it the whole damn country will surrender to me. And that's the problem . I don't want France. What would I do with it? It's loaded with French people.
So in order to avoid that outcome I'll say I'm sorry for any past and future statements I make about the French.
Sorry.

See? It couldn't be more clear. I love France.
Once again let me make it clear that The French (makers of really bad doors) are good solid (unlike their doors) people who are willing to help anyone who takes over their nation to the fullest. They'll make you feel right at home. Hell, they'll make you feel like you own the place.
However, the lady who posted the response really irked me. I believe she said something to the extent of, "I had too respond, first off because I wanted to and second because I am French and you dislike us I am disbanding tomorrow but not hiding "
Isn't that just like the French?
They insult you and then they run. Sheesh.

In my quest to look productive yet still not actually do anything here's the second part to yesterday's story. Enjoy.

My Son's Even More Eventful Second Day.

I woke up at 6 in the morning on May 18th 1993 , after having only a hour or so of sleep. I got out of the chair that I had slept in next to Angie's bed. She was still asleep so I quietly slipped out of her room and went to check on my baby , who was not quite 24 hours old. I asked the nurse how he was doing. She told me that for a baby 9 weeks early he was doing great. He wasn't out of the woods but they were hopeful. His biggest health concern was that his lung muscles weren't fully developed. He was actually using some of his stomach muscles to help himself breath. The Nurse told me that they were pumping pure oxygen into his incubator to make it easier for him to breath. She told me she was sure he was going to be ok.
"Have you thought of a name yet", she asked.
"Not yet. We are still going over a few", I replied.
"Well you have 48 hours."
I stared at her for a few seconds trying to restrain myself from screaming ,"OR WHAT!" I eventually went back to Angie's room and sat with her for a little bit until they brought her breakfast. A little after 7 the Doctor came in and told Angie that she would be released that night after supper. He told us that our baby would have to stay a few days at the minimum. He was worried about his breathing. Still nothing to worry about , he told us.
"Does he have a name yet?"
"Not yet."
"You have another 48 hours. No hurry."
I was a millisecond away from screaming ,"Or What" , when he added ,"By the way you two get a steak dinner tonight from the hospital before we release Angie. It's part of service here. We want to welcome your new family into the world."
That was cheesy I thought , but a free steak dinner is a free steak dinner. At around 8 I realized I had a lot of work to do, to get things ready for Angie and my unnamed baby to come home. I left Angie and went to see my landlord and told them I was going to need that new apartment as soon as possible. He told me he'd have it ready in a few days. After running a few more errands I went back to the hospital to have lunch with Angie. We ran though a few more baby names. The only one we didn't immediately discard was Ethan. We still needed to get a middle name but decided to work on that over our Steak dinner.
On the way out to run some more errands ,I bumped into my brother Steve. He was standing in front of the large glass window overlooking the baby. He looked very worried.
"Steve he's going to be ok. Don't worry." I glanced back at the nurses. The looks on their faces wasn't as reassuring as they were a few hours earlier.
Steve told me he had a bad dream the night before about the baby. In it, the baby had became very sick and was near death. As Steve told me his dream he looked very upset.
"Steve it's going to be ok. He's going to be ok." We stood there a moment staring at my child. He was getting more and more agitated. There was a least 6 wires attached to various parts of his body , and the nurses were constantly pricking him on the finger or toe for a little blood to run tests on. All in all the first 24 hours of his life were not the most peaceful. I looked up at the clock. It was 12.30 now.
"I have few more things to do before Angie comes home tonight. Want to ride with me?"
"No", said Steve. I'm going to stay here for a while."
When I came back at 2 in the afternoon ,Steve was gone. Before I could go to Angie's room the head Nurse took me aside. She told me that the baby's oxygen levels were dangerously low.
"There's nothing more we can do here for him." That is the one phrase no one wants to here from a health care provider. "We've contacted St. Francis Hospital in Peoria and we're going to airlift him to their Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. The Lifeline helicopter is on the way."
I was stunned. I had been worried, but never thought that it would get so bad they'd have to airlift him out of here. I stood there a moment not sure what to say.
"Do you want us to tell Angie?"
"No. I'll tell her", I said.
I told Angie. We both decided to drive down to Peoria as soon as the baby was aboard the helicopter. Angie started to get dressed , and I called my family , and Angie's mother. Within 15 minutes the maternity ward was filled with nervous family members wanting to see the baby before he was airlifted away. I noticed Steve wasn't there. I asked Kathy where her husband was. She said he was out when I called. I started towards Angie's room , to see if she needed help with anything when the nurse asked me for a final time, "Do you have a name yet for the baby?"
" Look we're kinda busy right now. I just want to make sure he gets down there ok right now."
" He should really have a name so they can keep track of him there. " She gave me a little smile."We don't him to get lost down there do we?"
" Lose him ?What sort of hospital are you sending him to ?"
Before anyone could say anything else Mom burst into tears.
" He deserves a name! Whatever happens to him , he deserves a name!"
"Ok. Ok." I went into Angie's room and we sat down and discussed it. I wanted his middle name to be some sort of family name. We ran the possible candidates and finally settled on my Mom's mother's maiden name. Montgomery.
It also had the added bonus of being the first name of Mr. Burns .
Angie and I came out to the hallway filled with family and told everyone the baby's name.
"Ethan Montgomery Hernandez."
My Mom broke down to even more tears. Angie started crying with her. Everyone said it was a fine name. The nurses were now happy because they could now fill out Ethan's birth certificate.
As we waited for the helicopter to arrive my Dad came up to me.
" Do you have enough for gas , and something to eat?"
"Yeah. We'll be ok."
Dad pulled out his billfold. "Here's $40. Just in case."
"Thanks Dad."
The nurses called me and Angie over to check out the birth certificate they had just printed out. Angie still crying a little looked at it.
"It's fine", she said. "Except Tom was born in Iowa and not Indonesia." Angie started laughing now. The nurses looked very embarrassed.
"we'll fix that."
Dad came up to me.
" Do you have enough for gas and something to eat?"
Didn't we already have the conversation?
"Yeah Dad. You already..."
" Here's $50. Just in case."
I looked at the $50. I couldn't take it, I thought. It would be wrong to take advantage of my Dad, who was obviously so worried he didn't know what he was doing. I put my hand on Dad's shoulder.
"Thanks Dad."
Outside the helicopter arrived. A nurse and another man jumped out of the helicopter and ran into the hospital. Soon they were at Ethan's side , getting his incubator ready for transport. We followed them outside as they put my son securely inside.
Before the helicopter took off Dad came up to me.
"Do you have enough money for a motel room and something to eat?"
I looked at Dad."Nope."
Dad gave me a check for $100.
"Here. Just in case."
" Thanks Dad."
The helicopter's blades began to rotate faster and soon I couldn't hear anyone over the roar. It lifted off , taking my son with it. I turned to everyone."Ok we're going. We'll call you when we get there."
Angie and I ran to our car and sped off . Other then stopping to get gas we went straight to Peoria. I was doing around 70 the entire way there. At one point Angie told me I should slow down.
"Honey if there's any reason to speed this is it. No cop in the world would give us a ticket."
We made great time driving there getting to Peoria in around 40 minutes. We parked at the emergency entrance of St Francis Hospital. There was someone waiting for us and he took us straight up to the 3rd floor Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. As soon as we got up there the nurse told us it be a few minutes before we could go in to see Ethan.
"Let's call home and let them know we made safely", I suggested. We went to a pay phone across the hall . Before I could call,I was shocked to see my brother Steve come running in to the room looking like a deranged Kramer from Sienfield
"Jesus Steve, where'd you come from?"
It took a while to piece Steve's story together
After we left for Peoria, Kathy drove my parents home. She then drove back to her house. Steve was working on one of his cars when she pulled up. She told Steve what had happened . Steve remembering his dream ran into the house and took a quick shower. Afterwards he dressed and ran out to his car and took off after us, a good 10 to 15 minutes after we had left. Steve traveling at something close to warp speed actually beat us to the hospital . He parked in front of the hospital by a sign that clearly said ," DO NOT PARK." The only reason we got to the unit before Steve did is we had an escort take us directly there. Steve not knowing where we were and too panicked to ask anyone ran though each floor until he found us.
I looked at Steve incredibly touched by what he did.
After that things calmed down considerably. Steve stayed with us for a few hours occasionally looking out the window to make sure that his car was still there, and not being towed away. ( I can only assume that when they saw Steve run into the hospital in such a panic, that they assumed it was a dire emergency.) Angie and I stayed over night until they told us it looked like Ethan was going to be ok. Our landlord was as good as his word and the new apartment was ready for us within a week.
Ethan stayed in the hospital almost 2 weeks , coming home on Saturday May 30th. Ethan was hooked up to a baby monitor that would beep every time his heartbeat or breathing would drop below a certain point. Being first time parents we were very nervous about Ethan's first night home. I told Angie I would stay up with him that first night.
I laid on the floor with Ethan next to me. Together we watched Star Wars. ( I know he liked it. He didn't need a diaper change once though the entire movie.) After the movie he fell fast asleep on my chest. I lightly touched is head. Everything became very clear to me that night. The past 5 years had not been the easiest for me. But I realized if I had done anything different in my life , he wouldn't exist. Suddenly my whole life made sense.
All that first night I kept looking at him and repeating very softly, "Oh Father. Oh Father."

The Hospital still owes me a steak dinner.

In honor of today, my son Ethan's 11th birthday I am reposting this entry which details his birth. I will post another reprint tomorrow. I do this because I'm just a sad lazy man.



My Son's Eventful First Day
Thursday September 25 will be my 10th wedding anniversary. So in honor of that fine day I thought I would temporally skip 20 years of my life and talk about my oldest son's birth , and my first fiery days as a married man.
After going out with her for a few months, I proposed to my girlfriend Angie on a cold December night in 1992. We kept it a secret until we could find the perfect time to tell our families. A little more than one month later ,after the turn of the new year , Angie told me she was pregnant . Being a mature man of 28 who was engaged to the woman he loved more then anything, I took the news in stride.
I curled up in a fetal position in front of my television sure that life as I knew it was over. The Super Bowl was on , and I remember thinking clearly ,"Well this is the last time I'll get to watch the Super Bowl." The next day after I was done hyperventilating , Angie and discussed what we should do.
I told her that we should get married before the baby came. Angie always being the practical one suggested that we should concentrate on one thing at a time. We were completely unprepared for a child. So we should devote the next few months getting ready for him. After he was born , then we could concentrate on getting married.
In retrospect , I think Angie wanted to see what sort of Dad I was going to be. If I turned out to be a crappy Father she was going to boot my butt out the door. (She denies this)
Everyone was very pleased about the coming baby. My parents only problem was that they wanted us to get married immediately. They desperately tried everything they could to convince us to get married before the baby arrived. I held firm saying that we needed to get ready for the baby first. My Dad even showed up at my job to tell me he wouldn't help us at all with the baby , unless we got married right away. I thanked Dad for his concern but assured him we knew what we were doing. ( which was a lie. I still deep in panic mode, but I'd be damned if I told Dad that)
The baby's due date was August 1st. At the time I was living in a small one room apartment. I talked to my landlords and they told me they'd have a bigger apartment ready for me on June 15th. That would give me plenty of time to get it ready . Angie wanted to finish out her year of college before the baby came, so my small apartment would be fine until then. Everything was proceeding as well as could be expected.
Saturday May 15 Angie and I went to see the play CATS. All the way there she kept telling me how much the baby was kicking her. I put my hand on her belly and could feel him moving. The next night I went to work at 10 pm. Angie stayed that night in my apartment alone . She had finals the next day , so she would be leaving early the next morning for the hour drive to her school.
Around 6 in the morning , Angie stopped at my workplace to say ,"Hi", before she left for school. She told me she hadn't slept well the night before. I asked her if she was nervous about the test. She said no, but maybe she just had an upset stomach. I gave her kiss , wished her good luck , and watched her drive off towards school.
An hour later at 7 , I got off work. I walked home ,and got ready for bed. I hadn't gotten in bed yet , when there was a banging on my door. It was a lady who worked for my parents , Bonnie. She was outside pounding on my door screaming that Angie was in the hospital. My first thought was Angie was in a car wreck. "No", Bonnie screamed. "She's having the baby!"
I took Bonnie's car and drove to the hospital. I raced up to the maternity ward and found Angie. She looked very calm. Even the Nurses remarked on how calm she was. They said she wasn't acting like a woman in labor at all.( In truth she was more scared then she'd ever been in her entire life.) The Doctors told me she was going to have the baby 2 and 1/2 months early. Ready or not I was going to become a Father today.
At that moment on the television in Angie's hospital room , Sylvester the cat's son said ,,"Oh Father".
Soon my family began to fill the waiting areas and beyond. Everytime a Nurse would open the door my Dad was right there looking in to see what was happening. My only family members living in the area that wasn't there were Steve , and his son Kris. I asked Steve's wife where Steve was and Kathy(looking like she had been crying) said she didn't know, but was sure he'd show up soon. I looked at my watch and saw it was 9 in the morning. Wanting my nephew ,Kris to be there as soon as he could ,I called his high school from the nurses desk.
" Yes , my names Tom Hernandez, I and I was wondering if I could leave a message for my nephew, Kris Hernandez?"
" We don't take messages", the aged crone working in the school office spat back.
" Look lady , I'm at the hospital. My girlfriend's having our baby very prematurely. I was just wondering if you could let him know to come to the hospital when he gets off school?"
"We don't take messages!"
I was beginning to wonder if I was talking to a answering machine.
"Ma'am this is an emergency. I need you to.."
" We Don't Take Messages!"
"Damn it lady I just need you to,.......Hello? Hello?"
The old bitty hung up on me. Before I could call back and ask to speak to someone else , the Doctor in Angie's room was calling a second Doctor into her room. I hurried back to Angie.
"Is everything ok" I asked breathlessly.
The Doctors were laughing and pointing at the television. "Yeah , but Sally Jessy Raphael has women on who want to have sex with Bill Clinton."
I pointed at Angie."Can we please focus on her?"
"Oh she's fine", said her Doctor without looking in her direction.
I walked over to Angie. "Your taking this awfully well. I don't even see you having contractions."
"Oh I'm having them. They're less then 3 minutes apart."
I was a little puzzled. Women on Television were always screaming and cursing at the fathers for making them pregnant. " How come you're not screaming? Doesn't it hurt?"
Angie smiled at me. "I have a high pain threshold ."
And that's exactly when her hard labor began. She squeezed my hand so hard I thought it was going to pop off. The next 30 minutes seemed to last forever. The Doctors were now focused on Angie. (I had turned the TV off) Nurses ran in and out of the room. I realized that soon I was going to be a father. In my head I could hear the phrase ,"Oh Father" over and over again.. I tried my best to comfort Angie as the pain got worse for her. She did find much comfort in using my hand as a chew toy for the last 15 minutes of labor.
Then at 10.35 a.m. on May 17 Angie and I became proud parents of a 5 pound 3 ounce blue baby boy.
Blue? Why was my baby blue? I was fairly sure there were no blue people on my side of the family. The Nurses assured me that this was very common.
"Will it wear off?"
They all laughed and wanted to know what his name was.
In all the excitement , Angie and I didn't have any boy names ready. I told the Doctor we didn't have a name yet. He informed me we had 72 hours to name him. Or what I thought. The Name Police name him Myron ? The Nurses wanted to know what to call him.
"Sir. Or Mr Hernandez", I said.
By this point my little unnamed baby was already a healthy shade of pink. They put him in an incubator.
I went out and told my family that it was a boy. Steve was now there. Everyone congratulated me, and one by one they went in to see the baby, and Angie. I looked at Steve.
"Hey Steve, I called the school to let Kris know and they were really rude to me. You should say something to them."
Steve stared at me for a second. "I'll talk to them", he muttered.
The rest of the day was a blur. I called everyone I knew and told them the good news. At one point I went out and bought his first stuffed animal and a diaper bag that had Sylvester and his son on it. I told anyone I saw I was a Father. ("Oh Father") The Doctors were still a little worried since my baby boy was born so early, but so far everything looked fine.
Then around 2 in the afternoon I realized that my nephew Kris still didn't know what had happened. I looked in on Angie and the baby. They were both asleep. I slipped out of the hospital and drove to the high school where my nephew went. I walked in and went to the office. Sitting at the desk was a lady who if I didn't know better I might have confused with a mummified corpse.
"Excuse me could I talk to the Principal."
"What's your name" she barked at me.
I looked her straight in the eye. "Tom Hernandez."
She glared at me for a second and got up and went to the office behind her. A mousy looking man came out and walked over to me.
"Are you the one who cursed at this lady this morning?"
Lady? What lady ?What the hell was he talking about?
Oh I thought he must be talking about the old bitty. Instead of yelling about his rude secretary, I calmly explained the situation to him. I told him I just wanted Kris to know so he could go to the hospital when he got out of school. He stared at me as if trying to tell if I was telling the truth.
"Look you can call the hospital if you want" I said a little exasperated. Why were these people acting so strange?
The guy I was talking to thought for a moment and finally agreed to let me talk with my nephew. He walked me to his classroom , and called Kris out. Kris came out of the class looking very suspicious. The he saw me and smiled. I told him the baby came early, but so far everything was ok. The school official listened for a few moments , then satisfied I was telling the truth left me alone with Kris. I asked Kris why everyone was acting so weird.
Then he told me what had happened at school while Angie was in labor.
Kris had taken the Friday before off , as part of senior skip day. Steve and Kathy both knew and let him do it. He spent the day in Chicago with his girlfriend. Of all the seniors who skipped that day, Kris was the only one they called about. Kathy lied and said Kris was visiting a sick relative. They wanted the number. Kathy wouldn't give it to them.
So when Kris arrived at school around 8 in the morning on Monday , he found out he was getting many detentions for skipping. Kris thought this was unfair. He called his Mom , who in turn called the school. I don't know what was said but the old bitty on the phone made a big mistake.
She made Kathy cry.
Steve was at the school before Kathy had hung up. He screamed at the secretary for making Kathy cry. When the Superintendent and Principal came out Steve yelled at them. He yelled so loud Kris could hear in his classroom many rooms away. Steve was so mad he accused the two men of having a homosexual relationship. And the entire first floor heard him. Steve told the two scared men exactly what he thought they did when they were alone in the office together.( I can't say in this family friendly blog exactly what he said, but it involved monkey love.)
Before anyone could call the police or do anything Steve stormed out leaving 3 scared people in the office , and many laughing students in his wake.
2 minutes later I called and nicely asked if I could leave a message for Kris.
I couldn't have timed it better if I tried.
I went back to the hospital and spent the rest of the night there. Angie and I went over names , but so far couldn't find any we liked. That night I stayed in a chair next to her, getting very little sleep. Occasional I would get up and go look at my baby. In my head I kept hearing Sylvester the cat's son saying "Oh Father."
I promised my son that the next day would be much less eventful
MY NEXT BLOG; MY SON'S EVEN MORE EVENTFUL SECOND DAY.

Homer

I was reading a review of the movie Troy earlier today. One of them talked about how the actors were all campy, as well as the dialogue and characters. The review mentioned how Peter O'Toole tried vainly to bring his role to life. It said ," O'Toole tackles Priam as though he's doing Shakespeare."
Shakespeare would have been honored to be mentioned in the same breath with Homer.
I wondered if the author of said review understood that this story and the character Peter O'Toole play are over 3000 years old. It's the oldest story in western literature. It's older than the Bible. So old that when Homer first began telling it he didn't write it down, because they didn't have silly things like books yet. He sang it. The Iliad wasn't wrote down for over 250 years after Homer died.
I haven't seen the movie yet. But I love the Iliad. There's a reason this story has been around for as long as it has been.
They'll be a day when all the stories we have come up with and told in any form over the last 100 years will be long gone and forgotten.
But Homer's little story will still be read and remembered.

A Mother's Love

Just a quick post here.
I was talking to my Mom the other day, when she looked at me and said, "I don't know if I can trust anything you say anymore. I've just noticed that everytime you do something you've got two different meanings, or two different reasons behind it."
"Mom", I said, "I'm very hurt. I'm 39 and you're just now understanding that."

Once in college Mark introduced me to some girl at a party. She smiled and said, "Mark told me all about you. Everything you say has two different meanings. Say something for me."
"Hi", was all I said.
I hate it when people expect it. It ruins the fun. I mean if they're looking for it where's the private little laugh I get. It's harder to make fun of someone to their face.
Harder. Not Impossible.
sigh.

Janice Versus Godzilla
In April of 1986 I was home from college for spring break. Sadly I did not get to go to the sunny beaches of Florida, but instead found myself stuck in my weary home town of Kewanee. I made the most of it, and lucky for me Mark was home from his college as well, so we usually found plenty to do.
The Saturday before school started back up, Mark and I found ourselves in the local video stores nursing a hangover and looking for a good movie or two to rent. When we walked in the first thing we saw was a six foot blow doll of Godzilla. It was some gimmick for the 1985 flop ,Godzilla 1985!.
At that moment insanity took us.
Mark and I began asking the person at the register how much it would take to buy it. We offered 100 dollars. "Sold!", said the video guy. Mark paid 80, I paid 20. Which I borrowed from Mark. (I'm not sure if I ever paid him back for that) Mark and I then discussed who got to keep him. I told Mark since I paid 20 I'd keep him till the end of the school year and then Mark would keep him forever after that.
So on that bright and sunny beautiful April afternoon I carried home Godzilla King of the Monsters and placed him in my bedroom. I already had grand plans for him when I returned to my frat house.
Mom called me downstairs and told me to get ready. "Get ready for what?", I asked.
"Your sister Rose is being confirmed in the Catholic Church tonight. Afterwards we're having a get together."
Now normally I really don't like going to church, but since I figured there was a real chance that my sister would burst into flames at some point in the affair I agreed. I called Mark, and he too thought the chances were high we'd be seeing fire. He also said he's attend.
So later as the sun went down I found myself in Church watching a Priest bless my sister. The moment came when the Priest said something like, "If anyone has just cause why this women should not be admitted into this church let him speak now or forever hold his peace." Dad glared at my brother John, Mark, and I. At that exact same moment a loud roar of thunder could be heard outside.
"Looks like God has an objection", John muttered under his breath. Mark and I did our best to not laugh. Dad continued to glare.
Thankfully the long Catholic ritual was over( we can never do things quick) and we walked home to throw the party for my newly sin free sister. (which I must admit again, I'm still having problems with) Mark was very upset that there was no bursting into flames. I told him the evening was young.
I heard the doorbell ring. Mom went to the front to answer and I heard her start laughing and yelling. "What the heck?", I thought. Mom came running into the dining room. Behind her was Geno wearing a pair of jeans, a ruffled tux shirt and a vest from a tweed suit I hadn't been able to find in a while. I was surprised to him as he lived up near Chicago now. Behind Geno was a blonde woman who appeared to be blushing. She was short and fat with a nervous laugh that wouldn't stop. She wore a white dress. We all stared in stunned silence.
With a big smile Mom said, "Geno's here and he's got some new for us."
Geno put his arm around the blonde woman's waist and said, "This is my wife Janice." Janice laughed and blushed even more. It was obvious they were both drunk. Dad sat down into a rocking chair. He put his hand up to his face, with the thumb under his chin and the rest of the fingers running up the side of his face. The look on his face was grave. He looked like he just found out his dog died.
On the other side of the room Mark and John were sitting at a table playing chess. They made no attempt to hide the humor they felt. Mark muttered something under his breath. "What?", I asked. Mark muttered it again.
"I can't hear you".
"She beats him. I bet she beats him." Mark looked like he was going to die laughing. John nodded and turned away he was laughing so hard. It turned out Janice worked at a ball bearing factory. Which was ironic because she looked like a ball bearing.
I was laughing so hard the horror of my Mom asking me, "Do you mind if Geno and Janice spend their wedding night in your room Tom?", didn't sink in right away.
"What?"
"We're going to let Geno and Janice spend the night in your room. I'm sure Mark won't mind if you spend the night at his house."
I was getting very desperate now. "But I only have two twin sized beds. Rose has a nice Queen sized in her room. Let them stay there." Rose had suddenly gone pale and was shaking her head no.
Mom laughed and said, "Oh it's not a problem We'll just push the beds together. This way they'll be right across the hall from me and your Dad in case they need anything." Dad sighed loudly. Mark and John were still laughing hard. Rose now even had a smile on her face.
I knew I was beaten. "Ok." I looked over at the wedding couple. "It's the first room on your left after you get to the top of the stairs." Mark and John were laughing so hard they weren't even pretending to play chess any longer. Mark kept saying softly every now and then, "She beats him....She beats him."
Janice said she was going to take her suitcase up to the room and change out of her wedding dress. She staggered out of the room, laughing nervously the entire time. This sent Mark and John into a new fit of laughter. Dad sighed even louder.
Suddenly there was an ear piercing scream. We heard loud thumps and Janice came running down the stairs. "There's a Monster up there! Monster!" She ran down the stairs so hard I thought she was going to fall though. She ran into Geno's arms and started crying.
Mom went over and started to comfort Janice. "It's ok. It's just a thing Tom bought. He'll take it with him to Mark's"
" Yeah.", I said. "There are some things even the King of the Monsters should never never see."
The next day after I came home, I pushed my two twin beds apart, took the sheets outside and burned them.
Dad still sighs everytime he sees Geno and Janice.
Godzilla would later die in a tragic drunken fishing accident.
Mark, after serving 3 years for drug running in Tijuana turned his life around and now works as a taste tester at Budweiser.
Janice has went on to star in other movies such as Janice versus Mothra and Destroy All Monsters.
I have yet to pay Mark the 20 dollars.
Rose has yet to Burst into Flames.
God stands by his objections.

Funniest thing I've heard in ages.

I was talking to someone a few days ago, trying to convince them something. At first everything was going my way. Then the person said , "Wait, I don't know if I can trust you. You're smiling."
Damn I thought I had that under control by now.